excruciating love,,,

oh God…

ohh God…

ohhh my holy God…

thx 4 makin me in love again…

but why do u separate us this way?

and lie a huge distance between us?

is he the one?

will he always be the one?

 

dedicated to: boby

UU lalu lintas baru, Januari 2010…

nah loo,, pd dh tau lum UU lalu lintas baru yg makin ribet? nih gw dpt dr link d plurk,, sangat berguna,,, silahkan dibaca n jgn lupa diterapkann kl ga mo kena dendaa (udh berlaku loh)….

*tp kenapa ya ga ada UU yg mengatur decibel maksimal suara knalpot motorr??!!!! gw udh eneg n buenci sampe sumsum tulang denger suara knalpot motor n mobil alay2 itu yg dipikir kuping tuh yg punya cm dia aja!!!!*

———-

• Kenakan Helm Standar Nasional Indonesia (SNI)
Jangan lagi kenakan helm batok. Gunakanlah helm SNI. Selain karena alasan keselamatan, menggunakan helm jenis ini sudah menjadi kewajiban seperti diatur dalam Pasal 57 Ayat (2) dan Pasal 106 Ayat (8). Sanksi bagi pelanggar aturan ini, pidana kurungan paling lama satu bulan atau denda paling banyak Rp 250.000 (Pasal 291). Sanksi yang sama juga akan dikenakan bagi penumpang yang dibonceng dan tidak mengenakan helm SNI.

• Pastikan Perlengkapan Berkendara Komplet
Bagi para pengendara roda empat atau lebih, coba pastikan kelengkapan berkendara Anda. UU Lalu Lintas No 22 Tahun 2009, dalam Pasal 57 Ayat (3) mensyaratkan, perlengkapan sekurang-kurangnya adalah sabuk keselamatan, ban cadangan, segitiga pengaman, dongkrak, pembuka roda, helm, dan rompi pemantul cahaya bagi pengemudi kendaraan bermotor roda empat/lebih yang tak memiliki rumah-rumah dan perlengkapan P3K. Bagaimana jika tak dipenuhi? Sanksi yang diatur bagi pengendara yang menyalahi ketentuan ini akan dikenakan pidana kurungan paling lama satu bulan atau denda paling banyak Rp 250.000, seperti diatur dalam Pasal 278

• Tak Punya SIM? Denda Rp 1 Juta
Ketentuan yang satu ini mungkin harus menjadi perhatian lebih. Jika selama ini denda bagi pengendara yang tak punya SIM hanya sekitar Rp 20.000, UU Lalu Lintas yang baru tak mau memberikan toleransi bagi pengendara yang tak mengantongi lisensi berkendara. Sanksi pidana ataupun denda yang diterapkan tak lagi ringan. Setiap orang yang mengemudikan kendaraan bermotor di jalan dan tidak memiliki SIM, akan dipidana dengan pidana kurungan empat bulan atau denda paling banyak Rp 1 juta (Pasal 281).

• Konsentrasi dalam Berkendara
Pasal 283 UU Lalu Lintas mengatur, setiap orang yang mengemudikan kendaraan bermotor di jalan secara tidak wajar dan melakukan kegiatan lain atau dipengaruhi oleh suatu keadaan yang mengakibatkan gangguan konsentrasi dalam mengemudi, dipidana dengan pidana kurungan paling lama tiga bulan kurungan atau denda paling banyak Rp 750.000

• Perhatikan Pejalan Kaki dan Pesepeda
Para pengendara, baik roda dua maupun roda empat/lebih, harus mengutamakan keselamatan pejalan kaki dan pesepeda. Bagi mereka yang tidak mengindahkan aturan Pasal 106 Ayat (2) ini, dipidana dengan pidana kurungan paling lama dua bulan atau denda paling banyak Rp 500.000

• Lengkapi kaca spion dan lain-lain
- Pengemudi sepeda motor
Diwajibkan memenuhi persyaratan teknis dan laik jalan yang meliputi kaca spion, klakson, lampu utama, lampu rem, lampu penunjuk arah, alat pemantul cahaya, alat pengukur kecepatan, knalpot, dan kedalaman alur ban (diatur Pasal 106 Ayat (3)). Sanksi bagi pelanggarnya diatur Pasal 285 Ayat (1), dipidana dengan pidana kurungan paling lama satu bulan atau denda paling banyak Rp 250.000.

- Pengemudi roda empat/lebih
Bagi pengendara roda empat/lebih diwajibkan memenuhi persyaratan teknis yang meliputi kaca spion, klakson, lampu utama, lampu mundur, lampu tanda batas dimensi badan kendaraan, lampu gandengan, lampu rem, lampu penunjuk arah, alat pemantul cahaya, alat pengukur kecepatan, kedalaman alur ban, kaca depan, spakbor, bumper, penggandengan, penempelan, dan penghapus kaca. Pasal 285 Ayat (2) mengatur, bagi pelanggarnya akan dikenai sanksi pidana paling lama dua bulan kurungan atau dendan paling banyak Rp 500.000.

• STNK, Jangan Lupa
Setiap bepergian, jangan lupa pastikan surat tanda nomor kendaraan bermotor sudah Anda bawa. Kalau kendaraan baru, jangan lupa membawa surat tanda coba kendaraan bermotor yang ditetapkan Polri. Jika Anda alpa membawanya, sanksi kurungan paling lama dua bulan atau denda paling banyak Rp 500.000 akan dikenakan bagi pelanggarnya (Pasal 288 Ayat (1)).

• SIM Harus yang Sah Ya…
Pasal 288 Ayat (2) mengatur, bagi setiap orang yang mengemudikan kendaraan bermotor di jalan yang tidak dapat menunjukkan SIM yang sah dipidana dengan pidana kurungan paling lama satu bulan dan/atau denda paling banyak Rp 250.000.

• Pengemudi atau Penumpang Tanpa Sabuk Pengaman, Sanksinya Sama
Ini harus jadi perhatian bagi pengemudi mobil dan penumpangnya. Jangan lupa mengenakan sabuk pengaman selama perjalanan Anda. Selain untuk keselamatan, juga untuk menghindari sanksi pidana kurungan paling lama satu bulan atau denda paling banyak Rp 250.000 seperti diatur dalam Pasal 289.

• Nyalakan Lampu Utama pada Malam Hari
Saat berkendara pada malam hari, pastikan lampu utama kendaraan Anda menyala dengan sempurna. Bagi pengendara yang mengemudikan kendaraannya tanpa menyalakan lampu utama pada malam hari, dipindana dengan pidana kurungan paling lama satu bulan atau denda paling banyak Rp 250.000 (Pasal 293).

• Wajib Nyalakan Lampu pada Siang Hari
Para pengendara motor yang berkendara pada siang hari diwajibkan menyalakan lampu utama. Sekarang, sudah bukan sosialisasi lagi. Bagi pelanggarnya akan dipidana dengan pidana kurungan paling lama 15 hari atau denda paling banyak Rp 100.000.

• Berbelok, Berbalik Arah, Jangan Lupa Lampu Isyarat!
Setiap pengendara yang akan membelok atau berbalik arah, diwajibkan memberikan isyarat dengan lampu penunjuk arah atau isyarat tangan. Jika melanggar ketentuan ini, Pasal 284 mengatur sanksi kurungan paling banyak satu bulan atau denda Rp 250.000

• Jangan Sembarangan Pindah Jalur
Para pengemudi yang akan berpindah jalur atau bergerak ke samping, wajib mengamati situasi lalu lintas di depan, samping dan dibelakang kendaraan serta memberikan isyarat. Jika tertangkap melakukan pelanggaran, akan dikenai sanksi paling lama satu bulan kurungan atau denda Rp 250.000 (Pasal 295)

• Stop! Belok kiri tak boleh langsung
Ini salah satu peraturan baru dalam UU Lalu Lintas yang baru. Pasal 112 ayat (3) mengatur, pengemudi kendaraan dilarang langsung berbelok kiri. Bunyi pasal tersebut “Pada persimpangan jalan yang dilengkapi dengan alat pemberi isyarat lalu lintas, pengemudi kendaraan dilarang langsung berbelok kiri, kecuali ditentukan lain oleh rambu lalu lintas atau pemberi isyarat lalu lintas”.

• Balapan di Jalanan, Denda Rp 3 Juta!
Pengendara bermotor yang balapan di jalan akan dikenai pidana kurungan paling lama satu tahun atau denda paling banyak Rp 3.000.000 (Pasal 297)

• Sesuaikan Jalur dengan Kecepatan
Ketentuan mengenai jalur atau lajur merupakan salah satu ketentuan baru yang dimasukkan dalam UU Lalu Lintas Nomor 22 Tahun 2009, yang diatur dalam Pasal 108. Agar menjadi perhatian, selengkapnya bunyi pasal tersebut adalah
(1) Dalam berlalu lintas pengguna jalan harus menggunakan jalur jalan sebelah kiri
(2) Penggunaan jalur jalan sebelah kanan hanya dapat dilakukan jika
a. pengemudi bermaksud akan melewati kendaraan di depannya; atau
b. diperintahkan oleh petugas Kepolisian Negara Republik Indonesia untuk digunakan sementara sebagai jalur kiri
(3) Sepeda motor, kendaraan bermotor yang kecepatannya lebih rendah, mobil barang, dan kendaraan tidak bermotor berada pada lajur kiri jalan.
(4) Penggunaan lajur sebelah kanan hanya diperuntukkan bahi kendaraan dengan kecepatan lebih tinggi, akan membelok kanan, mengubah arah atau mendahului kendaraan lain.

Aturan-aturan baru yang diterapkan di UU Lalu Lintas yang baru ini harus menjadi perhatian bagi para pengendara. Selain demi keselamatan, tentunya juga untuk menghindari merogoh kocek cukup dalam karena ditilang. Sanksi denda yang dikenakan lumayan besar jika dibandingkan dengan UU yang lama. Selamat berkendara!

———-

atau kunjungi langsung: http://nasional.kompas.com/read/2010/01/11/08025781/Tak.Mau.Disemprit.Kenali.UU.Lalu.Lintas.Baru

etika makan sushi…

gw dpt dr plurk ni,, dr temen gw.. bwt yg demen bersushi (kyk gw),, silahkan baca info ini… bener2 berguna.. hehe.. btw,, berapa yang anda langgar?? :p

ato kunjungi sendiri http://9gag.com/gag/16336/

apa ini?

i do feel something that i can’t even describe

an emotion that i used to feel and been gone for a while

now it’s coming back again

…here, deep inside my heart…

wishing u very HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

yeayy,, udh ada d penghujung tahun ni.. pergantian tahun tinggal sebentar lagi,, n i feel so excited..

malem ini ritual gw yg duduk di kamar n bikin resolusi kyknya ga akan gw jalanin, krn gw udh ada plan new year-ing ama temen gw si boby.. hehe.. entah mengapa mami gw bolehin gw keluar rumah tahun baruan gini, biasanya kaga bole krn pasti crowded n macet,, gw juga ga tahan sih benernya ama bising n kampungannya orng konvoi, cih!

so.. the evaluation and the resolution,, imma think bout tht later, haha.. from now on till new year,, ima have some fun!!

wanna join me? hehe..

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OF U!!!

GOD LOVES U!!!

may all ur wishes be granted in this coming 2010..

i owe phineas and ferb..

Phineas and Ferb… hmm, i bet only few indonesian people know about ‘em. but really, u just hv no idea how phineas and ferb hv helped me through my roughest time.. *lebay, haha*

as so u know, i love cartoon so much.. and i idolize Spongebob Squarepants a lot. but recently, i dunno why nickelodeon werent kind enough to play spongebob’s film everyday, not like it’d used to be.. so it was like i ws in my deep desperation seekin for entertainment which could make me get loose for a little while i was doin my final assignment. and in tht time, when i was losing spongebobs, i left nick channel and turned my eyes to disney channel..

at first i felt a lil bit disappointed whn disney channel stop playin totally spice,, huff.. but after i saw phineas and ferb, well, i thought this film could replace totally spice for me, hehe.. and start from then, i declared myself as a phineas and ferb’s fans.. haha..

and as u know, i always stayed late at night almost everyday, even sometimes i still stayed awake till the morning came. and in the middle of the nite, like in 3 am, i usually felt tremendously boring and tired. but i gotta keep doin wht i was doin.. and i felt happy like crazy when i found disney channel played phineas and ferb in tht time,, n it was marathon!!! u just no idea how those maraton refreshed my mind.. so much!

seeing phineas and ferb doin crazy things, and candace who cant stop tryin to bust em… owhh,, tht’s a lotta fun!! those two lil men are so damn brilliant and lucky, they never get busted.. haha.. and the strange relationship between perry the platypus and doofensmirth is really fun to watch.. hahayyy,, i love em all! and their song are so much fun to hear..

*mo upload soundtracknya kok ga bisa ya? lagi gangguan kali ni wordpress.. huff*

to those who hvnt seen their film,, i tell u wht, tht film is totally recommended.. :p

i owe u phineas and ferb!!! n i thx u guy for everything!!

gw LULUS!!! 111209

Goshh,, graduated does feel so good!!!

gw LULUS,,!!!!! oh gosh, i feel so happy like i wanna tell the world about it… setelah 6 bulan yg panjaaaannngggggg n penuh dgn begadang, umpatan, keluhan, makian,,, akhirnya semua selesai juga,,, hahaha… senangnya!!!!

td pagi gw sidang, jam 8 tp molor jadi stngh 9. gw dpt giliran ke-3, n alhamdulillah semua lancaaarrrrrr… semua pertanyaan dosen bisa gw jawab dgn baik. n alhamdulillahnya dosennya lagi ga killer,, haha… goosshh,, lega.. pdh pas pak BTP udh giliran nanya, gw dh deg2an,, “mampus gw,, pak toto mo tanya apa ya?” iyu pikir gw. haha.. ternyata Pak toto cuman nanya hal2 soal teknis yg remeh temeh bgt.. ahhh.. sidang 3 ini emang ga ada apa2nya dibanding sidang 2 yg isinya pembantaian besar2an… woww!!! alhamdulillaaahhhhhhhhhhhh……………………..

abis sidang,, legaaaaaa…………….. tp masi serem nunggu kelulusan, hiks.. ga tau kenapa deh, temen2 tuh dh yakin pasti lulus, sedang gw masi takut aja.. pdhl kerjaan gw dibanding yg laen juga setara2 aja,, mungkin krn gw punya pengalaman pas studio 3200 itu yaa,, jd rada trauma ttg nilai, huff..

jam 3, anak2 TA dipanggil k ruang rapat dosen. disitu disebutin yg lulus.. n gw termasuk!!! alhamdulillahhh…. lega bgt!!! gw langsung sms papi n mami… hehehe.. its like WWOOOWWWWW!!!!!! finallly!!! n syukurlah temen2 kelompok gw tuh lulus semuaaa…. ga kyk kelompok sebelah yg cm 1 orng yg dilulusin n empatnya ga lulus, huff… (ikut sedih guyss… really..)

udah dehh,, selesai drama TA yg penuh kenangann… masi nyisa revisi sih, cm kelulusan ini udh modal utama bgt.. tp emang si nilai br kluar stlh masuk revisi,, tp ga gt peduli sih gw ma nilai.. yg pasti lulus dulu mann, LULUSSS!!!!! hahaha… lulus itu emang menyenangkan yaaaa….

segala puji bagi Allah Tuhan semesta alam…!!!!

somethin missing…

i feel somethin missin in my life..

but still, i cant figure out wht is tht..

will anyone or anythin come to complete it?

from my fb status n comments tht follows

on november 26, 09,, i wrote an facebook status:

this concealed and insidious jealousy does stay here silently and motionless, but it does slowly eat me deep inside… anyhow, i feel too snobbish and vainglorious to admit it and tell him about this, so maybe i’d rather wait my time, whether im gonna explode, or die…

then my weird friend, hakmer, gave many comments about it.. FYI, hakmer is my friend who usually appears as acranky jerk at campus (well, at least tht image is wht he choose to show to his friends, including me), but innerly, he has some kinda smooth and sensitive feeling, tht i realize just after we were keep replyin comments…

it’s gon’ be a long chat log. if u dun feel like u wanna read it, imma tell u about this for short. this chit chat is about my friend givin me advises about wht an open relationship really is and how to live in it, without anger and jealousy… it was like im havin tht kinda relationship, but everythin got deeper and i wanted more from him. kinda interesting chat actually, but didnt make any different, haha. cuz in the end, i dumped him anyway, haha.. however i think i’d better save this log, cuz this log really gave me one different point of view about a man.. enjoy!

him:

Wait your time to explode or die?
Arent u taking too much risk that way just for the sake of image? Fear of being seen as a snob or vainglorious? I think you should communicate it just dont appear to be demanding in expressing it.

me:

ya, 4 some reason,, u rite,,
but it’s gonna be a huge abashment and humiliation for me if i say tht first rite on his face… it’ll make me looks like im in my deepest despair to own him,, while in fact, im in this fuckin ‘open relationship’ thingy.. huff, im just tryin to save my face, dude…. tryin to look calm and placid though im raging deep inside..
u know wht im sayin…

him:

Ha3x.. It’s an open relationship. Now I get it. But it seemed to me you want a commited relationship which do not apply in the open one, you want more it seems. Why not stop feeling insecure? I sense your insecurity, you’re really concerned bout image. To stop feeling insecure, i only know one way, that is to make it sound. You want him then you want him, what’s wrong w that? Make peace w yourself.
If you lose him because of that, then you save yourself of goin in deep alone and you can have your sappy story done now with a few tears instead of later with more tears of-course. If he understood instead and give you both a chance to try, then,
isnt that what you want?
Some higher level of certainty instead of this where you keep worrying where is this going and whether you’ll lose him or not?

me:

hmm, at 1st i thought this open relationship thingy would be just an easy and simple path to walk through,, it was like “i want u, u want me, so wht? let’s get together, as long as we both feel in pleasure”.
but now i realize tht everything’s changing now, n it’s goin much deeper and stronger. n u rite, im demanding more, damn it! but still, it’s not my part to start it over. im the girl, n for me,, im supposed to take a proposal, not to give one. if we finally wanna take this relationship to the whole new level, then it’d better be him who ask for it. it’s about dignity!
call me whtever to still holdin on those kinda crap called dignity, but for real, i will never ever ask tht to a man…
thts why im stuck here,, like i got nowhere 2 go..

him:

Ha3x.. If you cant say it, imply it. Make a scheme, find a way on how to present ideas that finally lead to that. Woman are better at setting up the field.
no, i get it, dignity is not a crap. Though sometimes it holds you back from saying what you want to say, or getting what you want. What we want changes from time to time, we need ideas like that, principles too, so we know that there’s a line that we follow, that we dont stray too far from our ideals.
Talkin from personal experience, I lose a girl cause I didnt want more than an open relationship, but when i did want it, i didnt say since i was the one who said i only want an open one. Honor, a man have to be consistent, so we finally broke up. She did asked me ‘lets go the next level’ n what i did say was, i cant. (we have different religious belief w fanaticism on both sides). But I get your point, she asked for it. I didnt deliver. We broke up.
What I fear is, you have the possibilities 4 regret that you never really say what you want to say. Like I did. I didnt say ‘fuck religion n family obligations, hell i’ve had commited relationships but i’ve never felt like this! In this is an open one’ while she had her say, and she’s now okay w things while i’m not. The case is quite similar with yours. Though I dont know where things would lead for you. But whatever you do, however you respond to this. Whatever happens. No regrets. Thats all. Heh heh

me:

no man,, my situation is much more complicated than u think it is.. u know, my guy used to b a playboy who has like a huge amount of girlfriends (i mean it, there were so maaannnyyyy fucking girrlsss!),, and many of em are still around him in such complicated ways.
well, actually it was me who decided tht we would go in tht open relationship. in tht time, i thought tht was the logic way to do based on tht tangible fact, tht i didnt wanna be cheated on while it was factual tht he was still with many girls.. i chose tht just to save myself from falling, u know..
but as time goes by and we starts to be attached to each other, i start to clarify bout our relationship, n he just cant give the definite answer for tht. his reason: he’s not ready yet to give the answer, he’s afraid of giving the wrong answer with a chance of losing me… n i think,, owhh great, wht an ambiguous answer! in tht point, i dun even get his point whether he wanna b with me or not!! but the funny part is when i tell him tht i wanna leave him, he begs me not to go.. fiuuhh..
he said he loves me, but he has to take care of his damn bussiness with those fuckin girls b4 he’s finally mine. he asks me to b patient,, n i am patient!! but im not sure if he really means it, im just affraid tht he dun wanna lose me, and those girls as well..
damn,, jadi curhat!! haha..

him:

Ha3x.. It was quite similar. I’m tellin u. U might not believe this knowing that i’m neither handsome nor rich, but perhaps, the manipulative brain of mine counts. At the time, I was seeing 3 other girls. More than friends but not girlfriends, two were my exes. She was afraid that I’d suddenly leave for one of those 3 knowing that for one of them i still have feelings. For the other two, i just cant help listening to girls crying so i just have to attend to their feelings. That was why she wanted it to be a permanent one. The religion issue was just an excuse i kept telling myself so that I dont fall deeper for her and so that she wouldnt ask more of me. Instead, i did fall deeper I tried to keep her by my side and said ‘gw sayang lo’ more and more often (benaran gw jd curhat jg, wk3x..) i said, i want you by my side but i couldnt go further, why cant we stay like this and save the talk of future to the future? I gotta admit I was quite the devil that time. My ex-girlfriend(a christian like me) hinted me bout getting back together (she didnt know i was in an open relationship) and at the same time she also asked for a break up. So I break up with her. But when I did break up, suddenly I feel, this isnt right, i kept thinking bout her, I ended up breaking up w her but also realising that I dont really want my ex back. I ended up alone. Ha3x.. Bad case of a stupid decision. Ha3x.. I’m afraid for that, yeah, i think you’d have to wait, since in my case, when she asked for a permanent relationship, i didnt flee but i didnt deliver either, thats when the relationship (invisibly) gone the wrong way for me and her, we started lying to each other with justification ‘truth will hurt the other party’.
Yes I did enjoy the company of other girls and was afraid of losing them and also of losing her, perhaps i was just to afraid to be in a commited relationship. I freak out. Stupid coward. Ha3x.. At the time, I just didnt know who I loved more. And I didnt want to admit that I have the heart to love. Ha3x.. I was a bitter person and was pessimist towards everything.

me:

woahhh,, so ur case seems to be much more similar to mine noww,, haha.. n ur situation in tht case is, just say, exactly the same with my guy’s situation..
soo,, wht i can conclude here is tht u strongly suggest me to be more and more and moreeeeee patientt,, rite? so tht i might be having a chance to get the whole him. well, ok then, i get that. but then, can i ask u, 4 how long should i be like this? is there any exact benchmark for me tht shows me tht my patience is not in vain? how long should i wait for tht significant answer from him?
u know, im 22 already, n im lookin 4 a husband to be. n my guy is 28, n he’s a total husband material! he got the look, the job, the passion, and even i say the future. actually, to be patient and waiting 4 him is sumthin extremely worthy. but again, as long as i dun get that definite decision from him yet tht says ‘it’s me who’s gonna be his wife’, everything seems to be so blur and nonsense. n i dun wanna waste anymore of my time on sumthin uncertain.
to be totally honest, he shows me a lot in action. like he wakes me up every morning, he calls me many times a day, he suddenly shows up in bandung just bcuz he misses me n wanna see me, he gets mad if i’m teased by other guy, he doesnt allow me to wear anythin sexy, u knowww…. he does everythin wht a boyfriend supposed to do.. n i like it a lot! but somehow, as u said earlier, i got tht insecure feeling, cuz we arent tied up,, we are not in relationship!! n this is not sumthin tht i can live with.. huff..

me:

btw, i think it’s kinda save to ‘curhat’ in here, as long as we keep imply it in a long long english texts,, haha.. i think nobody would even bother to read.. :p

him:

Whoa.. This is serious. (we were too, hell, it was just an open relationship, i mean,really i like children, but to fantasize bout having children together, building a family? Thats the kind of conversation I didnt expect)
I really dont know how long you’d have to wait but men want to know that they have the authority, that any decision is theirsand not a forced decision, you can imply what you want just dont ask him to rush into decision unless you cant stand it. Cause it will turn into a poker game with chips all in, you either win all, or lose all.
The insecurity, yeah, awkward moment where we gaze at each other and you dont know if it’s a good moment or a bad scene. Her eyes told me, ask me one thing she’d asked before, ‘do you really love me?’ (do u have that too?) while i didnt show any significant expression but a smile or a chuckle an and endless gaze that gives nothing out. I’ll tell you what, if you’re really gonna wait, to build your optimism. Perhaps with this you can bear the pain and the uncertainties and insecurities. Back there at the scene above. What i was thinkin was, ‘you ask me if i love you as if i’m the one to be doubted, havent i been there always? its just you worrying of yourself, scared of getting hurt, as if i couldnt get hurt too’. my condition is ‘just stay and trust me, then i’ll stay’ for me, it’s like a test i give subconciusly. And the test is time and understanding. Men also want to be swayed, the standard i set at that time was understanding. “do u understand what i want without me having to say it?” this is assuming that most of the time of heart to heart talk, it is the woman who, more often of the two, told the stories of her life and frustation. If he’s a listener, then our thoughts might be the same, we want to be understood, to be trusted without having to convince the girl.
So about how long or if u should wait? I really dont know. But as a guy, i wouldnt want my girlfriend to doubt me. Just have in mind thatmy decisions will always have your variables in the equation, in short, i will be considerate bout both our best interest. Thats all I can tell, what goes in my head that time, my way of thinking, i dont know bout him though but might be similar. Love is like a religion Ro, you gotta take it on faith. You gotta gamble. The problem is, there’s no holy book, so now, it would have to be double faith. Yet still, nothing is certain. You can only plunge in to know how it turns out

him:

The question remains however, and it is for you alone to answer,
“are you ready to take some risk? Are you brave enough?”

me:

hold on sugarr,, i gotta hv my dinner 1st b4 i read ur long long comment n reply it, okeyy,, hahaha… b patient.. :p

him:

Ha3x.. Ok2.. I’m also currently on my table with the company of the food for the broken-hearted. INSTANT NOODLES! Ha3x

me:

woowwww,,, damnn!! u knoe whtt!!!!!!! reading ur long comment above makes me feel like im reading a letter from my guy!!! woww!! i tell u wht, those words from u,, all ur explanation about evrythin,, really gives me a second thought about all of it…
ya u rite somehow.. man has their own way to express sumthin,, in the way tht none of woman could possibly understand. still, there’re a lotta question poppin up in my head, but overall,, i can get ur point..
hmm.., u really get me thinkin,, maybe it’s me who is so selfsentric and egoistic tht demanding to be understood, while in the same time i unconsciously disregarding my guy’s need of security and certainty.
tht time, i looked deep into his eyes and asked him about the continuance of our relationship. he was just staring at me for a while then taking his eyes off me and says glumly: ‘i cannot answer that now, cuz im afraid tht i’ll give u a wrong answer, then in the end i find myself losing u’. in tht time, i felt a deep sorrow and a bitterness in tht voice, n even it made him cant look at me… but stupid me, i kept dangling after the answer tht i was looking for, though it means i was ignoring the pain he felt.. but after the second time i asked him tht question n i got very much the same answer, i started thinkin ‘there’s must be sumthin wrong’. i believe he hid sumthin big tht make him said wht he say to me tht nite..
he said it was all about his girls,, tht he wanted to finish it all first. but deep inside, i believed there were sumthin more, much bigger loads on his shoulder.
he told me once, about the big burden for taking me as his wife. some of those were about my family background, my education background, my minimum standard of living, the cost of the future (like getting married, having baby, owning a house, etc),, he already thought about tht!!! he told me many times tht he felt inferior comparing to me, like my family is richer than his, im smarter than him,,, and all of tht made him felt not confident enough to be with me. n i didnt notice tht it was a big burden for him, till i finally read ur comment above. now i realize, he thinks too much, too far,, well, thts a good things but i just cant believe i was just adding an extra load to his mind…
maybe i was to shallow, just thinkin bout wht i need and wht i want, about the securities and certainties in my very own version, hufff…
ya, hakmer, u’re rite… if he doesnt love me, then he wouldnt do wht he do to me… i believe he loves me, maybe he just needs time…

him:

Really? Man, i dont even know him. Ha3x
it’s forgivable, being egosentric is just human nature, i was like that too in the past.
You know what you could do to cheer him up? Once in a while when you feel like it, give him a kiss in the forehead, or the cheek, you can combine it w a long craving (and i mean really craving) hug when he least expected it, then tell him you love him, (sayang is more preferable) but make it natural and impulsive, dont do it too often, you wouldnt want to look to cheap, be like a little girl who’s just sharing love just cause she felt like it. Also other than the routine passionate kisses, give him a naughty one, also when you feel like it..
The thing is, men are usually skeptical, even pessimist, so it’s your job to say things such as ‘we or you can do it’ or ‘it doesnt matter, or i dont really care bout that’ when he’s down on cases with burdens him to the level of that one time when he talked bout his fears of taking you as his wife.
Men are often unsure when their feelings enter the equation.
What men like him probably look in a woman is a supportive one. But remember once in a while, still, to imply what you want, for the relationship to go a step further. You both gotta communicate in every way. Peace talks, discussion, debates, fights even. For example, there are times when my ex was mad, i was glad cause it turns me on so i just said, can you shut up? and i pushed her and kissed her. Ha3x, just be a natural, mad when you want to go mad, stuffs like that, let things work their way out. Hold back when you feel like it, open up when you have things to say.
(what am i saying, suddenly i’m preaching like i know best. Ha3x)
u get my point on be natural i hope
well, i think you know best the details of your relationship and you know what to do i guess. What counts is, he stays for you when you need him, and you stay for him whether or not he wants you too (men sometimes are such mediocre dramatist they might try to make you feel guilty doesnt mean they want you to leave)
what else? About enough i guess
anyway,
dont u suddenly go proposing to me just cause i have similarities w him. Ha3x..
BTW dont think of yourself as shallow, somehow it inconveniences me cause it’s like telling me my ex is shallow. I know she is, she doesnt even want to learn english when i tried to teached her, probably cause I still love her, i just dont like to hear it. Ha3x..
Anyway, hope u both work it out..
Nikah jgn lupa undang gw tapi.
Hhe

me:

1st thing,, im not gonna propose u tho’ u guys got similarity,, hahaha,, no fucking waaayyyy… hahahaaaaa…. (ngakak gw bacanya tadi)
2nd thing,, yes u’re a bit preaching, but tht was a nice one, haha.. wanna try it, considering tht might be wht he wants me to be. but i got a lil problem here, man.. since im not his gf yet, i feel tht it’s not my place to say ‘i love u’ to him… tht’s gonna be a total embarrassment for me… n in fact, he barely kisses me! like if we make love, we dun start it with a lil kiss and stuffs like tht.. when we got the ambiance, we start touching each other, then ‘bang’, tht ‘hapy time’ happens.. n tht happen a big times!! so great and so wild, n still no kiss in it.. hahaha,, can u believe ittt!!!!!!! no kiss in our every single ‘happy time’!!! and now u ask me to kiss him.. how can i possiby do tht?? hahaha… theres noo waaayyyyyy i possibly do that….
take a look at my newest status,, yeap, thts him!

him:

Baby, that’s why it’s called a joke. (flirty gni gw, ha3x. Aslinya keluar. Ha3x)
hmm.. That’s one thing I dont know how to handle. Since I always start with groping and kissing. The later depends on her facial expression. (i dont want her to feel like she’d been raped)
And i dont really know what his deal. Why he hasnt he made u his gf. That puzzles me.
For me, we were just new to each other, met for the third time i kiss and grope her in her room. The 4th time we met, some guy approached her at NAV in Ciwalk, aggresive, suprisingly smooth, i felt so inferior, she even laughed out loud. Later that nite, i dont know why, i was afraid to lose her to that guy, or probably just jealous. So, I told her i want her to be my gf. But in an open relationship. I can meet my girls, she can meet a guy. But we gotta meet at least once a week. So we became a couple. Perhaps the same thing might work?
Sure, I’d check your status. Hhe.

him:

I cant really see any face. Ha3x.. I’m from my cell, my pulse account is only about 1000 rupiahs so i disabled photos. Ha3x..

me:

yaa,, this relationship really puzzles me either.. n very nice to b able to share it to u,, in an awkward way like this, haha…
well, maybe for now, i need to chill out a lil bit, tryin to figure out wht i suppose to do to him, and giving him more time. hopefully this stuff will ended soon, cuz it starts bothering me. n i cant stop praying to God, hopefully He shows me the best way for me an my guy, either be together or be separated.
btw, in my latest status, there wasnt any pic,, wht i was tryin to say was tht i wrote tht status for him. like he called me many time, just to say ‘hi, how r u? where r u? ok, i gotta go’.. well, tht annoyed me,, haha.. i wanted to talk to him more than that..
i know he’s busy now, n probably with his another girl,, im kinda placid in front of him, but deep inside im burned out by jealousy. haha,, damn. i’ll try to find the right time to talk to him about this..
thx mer, 2 b my one nite sharing partner, hahaha

him:

Sori bru bls, kmrn2 hbs plsa.
Ha3x.. Jealousy. Yeah, I have those and I wish I could express them. I just cant. Dont want to intrude on other people’s life especially my exes. Ha3x.. (i’m quite a masochist both in the way I deal w my feelings and in bed. Ha3x..)
anyway, whether u want it or not, it’ll show itsself eventually, your feelings i mean, conciously or unconciously, that’s why you are uneasy, your subconcious is fighting your concious mind, so when u do let it out, just make sure he understands your language, speak with emotions attached but also wisdom and understanding included but not acceptance.
Yuks2. Sama2.
I’m quite used to this actually, i’ve been sort of like a marriage counselor to my “unmarried” friends who tell their relationship stories to me. Ha3x..
Whether it work out or not, enjoy the time together, dont let it pass. Make sure they surpass the thoughts that bothers you. Katanya mslh trbesar manusia itu, ga bisa bersyukur dgn apa yg mreka punya dn slalu ingin lebih dr yg skrg. For now, just to manipulate your mind, those words is quite adequate to be adopted for a while. Hhe.. Cheers!

me:

mer, everything seems to be much better now!!
at tht time, after i shared a lot to u, i finally found my gut to show him wht i feel. and for sure, i wanted to make him feel exactly the way i feel,, i share the anger, the panic, the desperation,,, n i did it!! it made him fed up! wht i did was this: late nite, like 9pm, i texted him tht i went out with my friends who are all guy, without tellin him where i was goin.. he kept callin me but i kept reject his phone.. i knew he must be mad at me,, haha… yeah..
the other day, he mad at me for a while, but i stayed chill.. after he was calming down, i told him the reason why i did it, n i said sorry.. but i made him say sorry too for wht he’d done to me,, haha… thts wht i called fairplayed! haha..
and finally he told me, when he went out with his other girl, he finally dumped her.. haha.. u hv no idea how delighted i felt in tht time!!! haha,, slowly but sure, step by step, he made his own choice… n maybe u right, he just need some times…
he cares about me, thts somethin tht i believe in. maybe i need to workin out my patience,, maybe thts the only way tht i can be together with him… hehe

him:

Weiss. Nice move. Ha3x.. You want it, do something to get it, that’s the idea. Glad it worked out.
I’m feelin a bit like little cupid here shooting love arrows all around. Hhe..

me:

hahaha,, n everything gets better!! he called me just now, shared everything.. haha.. seems like he needs me more than than he know he does.. hehe. :p
gotta say thx 2 u mer.. maybe u’re a jerk, but ur alter ego is kinda cute,, hehe.. ;p

him:

What? Call me cute (cuz i am) but not my alter egos. Ha3x, so narcissistic.. I have many alter egos.. But that was actually the real me. All these personas and gestures I show to people were actually a self defense mechanism. Such is the nature of men. They dont want to appear cute or sweet cause in their mind the words are associated with word such as weak and indiscrete.
Told u we’re mediocre dramatist, we’re easy to read actually
Nah, dont mention it. It goes two ways didnt it? Gw bsa curhat lo dpt insight. Ha3x.. Nothing to be thankful for. Ha3x

me:

Hahaha,,, its still unbelievable tht i did call u cute earlier,, haha,, i didnt kno wht i was thinkinn tht time, hahaha :p i might be just slip my tounge, haha
yaa, sharing is something really relieving,, really can take the burden off our chest. Glad to know tht by helpin me, u felt helped in return. Hehe.
Humm,, u know wht? Another problem appears here, right when things already get better.
I talked to my cousin who is psychologist. I gave him my guy’s photos to him, n his reaction was unexpected. He made his psychoanalisis, according to the pic, my story of my guy, my guy’s fb and fs,,,,,, and in the end my cousin greatly suggested me to leave him. He said tht my guy wasnt a real good guy. He just wanted somethin from me,, uuhhh,, damn!
Wht do u think now about this mer?

him:

I cant really say anything but psychology is pseudo-science, the approach to it is empyrical, through statistics, tests, and all methods of science. But still it’s pseudo-science. It doesnt say ‘certain’ like to 2 + 2 certainly resulted 4, it says ‘perhaps’. It suggests, it doesnt claim itsself to be true, it shows tendencies, that’s as far as I know bout psychology. Well I do know a book about the nature of men by appeareances, eye brows, shape of the lips, the eyelids, the jaw, and etc. It suggested, through statistics, true to some people but not necessarily certain and true to everyone. What I’m saying is, no one can determine someone’s motives or how he/she’d turn out through face alone. Say he’s naturally like that, it’s like genotype and fenotype in biology. You might be born black but Michael Jackson died white. His psychoanalisis is as unreliable as my speculations for the same reason, we dont have valid grounds cause all he knows is a face, and all i know is your circumstances that involves him.
How do you know for certain if someone is sick and with what? The doctors determine this through urine test, bloodtest, x-ray and etc.
Well, here’s your urine test, but not your x ray, or your blood test. It says sick but it doesnt say with what or how sick. Maybe he wasnt a real good guy, but who is? And if he is, bad in what way? And how bad.?
Your cousin isnt always right and neither am i. Since it’s like i’m +1 and he’s -1, you are back to zero. This means, you have to employ your own instincts, sense and intuitions.
Not very helping, eh? Hehheh..

me:

well, actually my cousin didnt just judge agung by his pic.. he asked me a lot about him, about how well our relationship going, about his past, about his girls, about everything… it was like an interview between me and my psychologist. then, i gave him agung’s pic. and i gave him my fb password in order to let him see agung’s profile and wall.
in tht wall, my cousin saw tht there were a lotta activities of hir girls, especially a girl named lesti. and according to the way she wrote on agung’s wall, my cousin assumed tht this girl was agung’s special one. or at least he presumed tht this girl was the one who had agung’s heart, means this girl was the one who agung really loved..
so my cousin said, my position here in front of agung wasnt strong enough, like i was just agung’s ‘fun friend’, who could be dumped anytime if agung already feel bored. n my cousin surely didnt want it to happen, and thts why he suggested me to leave him…
but still, he said it would be my choice, whether to take the advice or leave it.. but till now, i still hv no clue wht to do..

him:

Owh.. That is quite reliable. It’s like me and one of my ex. She is my special one, even to this day that i removed her from my fb out of fear cause if she asked anything of me i’d try my best and if she said something i’d think about it and analyze her words. But doesnt that tell you something? My guess is that he and this girl arent together, yes she has his heart perhaps, but he doesnt have hers(perhaps only her simpathy and gratitude, appreciation of character, kindness). I didnt say this earlier but the fact that he didnt kiss u actually lead to the same thing your cousin suggested. A kiss is a proclamation of feeling whether realised or not. It is a bad thing on your side if kisses were absent.
He is probably her trash can, the ears for her troubles.
Lets say that youre his number 2, there’s a chance of him dumping u, but also a chance of u becoming number one if the girl continue her egosentric behaviour and you somehow fullfill and read what he need (not sexual needs but mental needs). There’s the gamble that you’d have to take if u want him.
up to this day, this one friend is still my number one, my feelings for her are huge, too huge that she become a fantasy to me, the ‘never can be mine’ cuz when that happened, if i have her, i know i’d be ruined by the love that i have for her. As for my latest ex, she offered me anything that the one in my mind didnt offer. And I fell for her. But still I make her my number two, until the day she left. I realised what I’ve lost. I would’ve make her mine, and i hers forever if only she’d take me. My point is, there are lots of things other than feelings. I wouldnt ever be w my number one even when she’d realised how much i was worth 4 her. Cause conciously i also count the pain, all that i’ve been through for her and also calculated what could happen next.
I have feelings and i’ve done things 4 her, my latest ex had that for me. While my number one only has feelings and role for me but hasnt really done anything. There’s your chance but still it’s an uncertain fight, it’s a gamble, you’d have to take risks of being hurt if u want him. Offer him what the other cant fulfill. But only if u can take the pain, the risks.

me:

the most important point tht my cousin said about me was i got some kind of ‘scotoma’ syndrome, means ‘my brain only see wht i wanna see’.
after a whole night thinkin, i finally figure out tht wht my cousin said about me was right. it’s so hard for me to see agung’s flaw, because subconsciously ive already made a huge and perfect image of him in my mind, which is the perfect image of my ideal future husband. ive made my own wall to block myself for seeing the real image of him..
if i wanna open my eyes a lil bit, i should’ve felt wonder why he just couldnt let his girls go if he did feel me as the one?
sorry to be continued later,, i got my friends coming.. hehe

him:

That is the nature of people in love.. I do that too. Ha3x
Ok2..
Have fun.

me:

mer,, ive made a decision!!!
i dumped him earlier this morning.. (so bad to use tht word but i just cant use the break up word cuz i in fact never b in relationship with him either, haha)
not really sure wht i was doin this morning but i think tht would b the best way for both of us…
till now, he hvnt called me yet, n i would never make the call first.. and maybe there will b no phone at all.. but honestly i kinda miss him.. haha.. fuck!!!

him:

no, no..
you made that decision, you gotta follow through
look at the bright side,
it’s like in my earlier post
you can cry now, for a while
or you can cry longer,
if you decide a bit longer…
at least it wont bother you anymore you know,
you can focus on the thing you need done
if you still miss him, all you need to do is occupy yourself
hang out with friends or just do your assignments..
it’s not that bad really

me:

ya, my logic says tht this is the right way to do, but seems like my feeling doesnt compromise tht… huff,,
but my cousin gave me an appreciation for wht i did,, he said i did the rite thing. tht’s relieve, an a bit calming me…
ya, im upset, like i gotta let go my perfect husband material. he’s really one of a kind,, tht maybe i aint gonna find someone like him again.. but when i remember tht he’s not tht into me and not even take this relationship with me seriously, i think i did do thing rightly.. i would just waste my time if i stayed in tht relationship…
n u’re right,, it’s not tht bad indeed…

him:

feelings are byproduct of evolution, someone said.
it is thoughts evolving into some kind of higher level of thinking thus known as intuition, and feelings
What i’m saying is, if you can change your mind, you can change how you feel..
only it might take a bit longer but feelings are also thoughts
so, it can be changed

me:

yaa,, brain really can suggest somethin to our heart,, ya, tht’s wht i believe. thts why i believe i’ll be fine in time, but hopefully wont gonna take a long..
thx mer for being nice to me..
im gonna get through this..

him:

Ha3x.. I’m nice to everyone. No ill will or prejudices. That is the only way to be fair in judgement..
Yeah, we can get through anything, When you set your mind to it, i believe u can do it

me:

So for this long long thread, finally we can say case closed?
Haha,,

him:

i guess..
new cases will soon appear though, hahaha
next time, dont get to worked up about it..
hahaha

the end.. haha.. long log, rite? dun bother to write it, not some kinda important thing either. i keep it just bcuz it personally mean somethin to me, hehe.. :p

finally,, bloggin again..

after such a long time leavin this bloggin stuffs (due to lack of free time of mine, i guess :p),, im finally here again,, n glad to be back..

wht to share? hmm, i got a lot, actually.. but the most important thing is tht my biggest n hardest part of my college routine is over… i finally handed in my final assignment yesterday.. n i think i did pretty well about tht.. i finished and complete all the requirements, n hopefully it would be good enough to get myself an straight A mark, haha.. (wht a wish). n u know wht? i didnt hv enough sleep during tht tasks,, so when it finished, i had my revenge and slept for like 18 hours non stop! haha.. finallyy!!!

im gonna hv my final presentation next friday,, n tht day’s gon’ be a dead or alive day,, arghh!! damn, i feel uneasy about tht.. its not bcuz i hv a verbal problem or somethin,, noooo,,, im good at talkin in front of people. im just afraid tht the result wont reach my expectation.. u know,, a lotta people expect so much to me, especially my mom n dad,, n it’s gon’ be a total abashment if i failed them now… huff, wht a burden..

hmm,, wht else?

oh yaaa.. n im no longer with mario, haha.. we broke up like 6 months ago, but we kinda like saw each other again secretly for about a month later, but it didnt work either. so now, all of our beautiful stories are finish,, n now im totally single n happy.. haha..

i met someone once, actually, after the brake up thingy.. he’s a doctor, n he’s totally my type!! like a bad guy gone good,, haha.. but after quite a while, i started seeing somethin disturbing about him. he did tell me tht he used to be a playboy,, so i thought he already quit tht bad habit, just exactly like me. but then i realize,, i was still a playboy! hahaha,, wht a shame.. then, for sure, i left him.. full stop. haha..

and my mom starts introduce me to her students.. haha,, it’s kinda fun actually,, seein many different type of guy.. i just enjoy it, haha. my mom doesnt push me too hard either,, so it’s kinda like playin a game.. at first i was afraid, i thought she was about to push me to the next level of relationship to tht chosen guy,, but in fact she doesnt.. she just wants me to see many different guy, and she wants me to expand my vocabulary of men. so tht whn the time comes, when i finally hv to chose one guy to b my lifetime partner, i will chose the best n i will got no regret for tht.. yaa,, seems like it, haha..

wht else?

humm,, u know i got my shoes box heaped on the corner of my room.. there’re two high stack, n they like reach my height!! haha. n i finally count my shoes in my room, in my boarding house,, n guess wht!! i already have like 43 pairs already!!! and im about to have 3 more pairs!! they’re already ordered, and will come in like a week,, hahaha.. damn, i can stop buyin ‘em!! most of them are string high heels shoes, n the 3 next to come are a pair of flat grey ankle boots, a pair of red ankle boots with 8 cm heels and 2cm platform, and the last is a pair of 10cm heels gladiator shoes… hahaha… well actually i hv no idea where should i wear those shoes,, in tht time whn i bought it, i just felt like buyin it.. huff.. i got this shoppaholic problem.. tho’ it already get better now, but still, i hope i can quit it..

hmm,, finish for now.. but i still got more to share,, haha..